At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
