Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
