I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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