Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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