Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
