Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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