you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
