I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
