I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's official drugs can't kill me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
