that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
