So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Randomize
