I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He passed out mid-signature
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
