my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
