I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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