i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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