i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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