that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
