I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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