So drunk its hurt
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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