There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
