You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
