New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
