I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
