Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
