I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize