Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
