Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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