Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
