I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
sarcasm needs its own font
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
