She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
