you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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