Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
