Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
