I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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