so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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