You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
