I need help removing her.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize