Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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