Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
