Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
