hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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