The maid of honor just puked.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
