everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
