The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just forgot I was standing up.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
