So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
