well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
