Small penises have feelings too.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
