If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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