i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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