We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
