I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
be right there i have to get my cape
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
