Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize