if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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