it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
