I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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