I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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