I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
