Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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